Grey’s Anatomy Recap: The Petty Olympics

As a longtime Grey’s Anatomy viewer, I walk into every doctor’s office assuming that everywhere I look, someone is probably violating HIPAA. Whenever I see my general practitioner for a long-overdue checkup, I search her eyes for signs that she’s just told her husband about a colleague’s secret tumor. That nurse over there? She’s probably on her way to hook up with her girlfriend (an ortho god) in the on-call room, right after a dramatic reading of my entire chart. So it was amusing — refreshing, even — to hear Meredith cheekily acknowledge this week that, yes, by telling Nick about Catherine’s biopsy, she’s breaking HIPAA. No offense, girlina, but when aren’t you?

This week’s episode is all about the rules, spoken and unspoken, official and de facto, that rule Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. There are the on-paper ones, like HIPAA, which our doctors steadfastly ignore, and there are the ones you just kinda learn by watching — like the fact that no matter how much this place likes to feign meritocracy, its leaders will always play favorites. An environment like that tends to breed pettiness, and this week, that was the name of the game.

Let’s start with Petty Person No. 1: Richard Webber, who finally found out what’s going on with Catherine and immediately directed his anger at the wrong person.

Catherine’s Secret Tumor Saga was already starting to feel old, and Meredith, especially, has been in a completely shit position. Catherine has refused to tell Richard that her cancer is back, and Richard has been trying to back away from surgery for the eight millionth time, which means he has lots of free time to wander the hospital and catch wind of his wife’s illness. This is not helpful for Meredith, who’d really love to get back to her Alzheimer’s research, but what can you do?

This is where Nick comes in. Richard’s surgical confidence might be flagging, but he still can’t refuse the siren call of a groundbreaking kidney transplant. And so, a diversion is hatched: Nick lures Richard into the surgery while Meredith and Bailey give Catherine a hush-hush biopsy in the clinic. Naturally, Catherine rushes them every step of the way and just cannot understand why they took so long to complete the procedure in a space that’s not set up for this at all. What can we say? Catherine’s gonna Catherine. I’m just shocked she didn’t make fun of Meredith’s button-down shirt and loosened tie combo. Seriously, Meredith, this is a place of medical business — wear that tie like the adult that you are.

The thing about an episode like this is that you just know the biopsy won’t go smoothly. Of course Catherine was gonna start puking blood. Of course Meredith was gonna have to page Nick in the OR, interrupting the awake kidney transplant on a very nervous scrub nurse played by 30 Rock star Jack McBrayer. (Good news, though, the transplant went well anyway.) And of course Richard was gonna be pissed as hell when he found out that Meredith had the audacity, the temerity, the guts, and the gumption to tell Nick (Nick!!) instead of him — the surrogate father who, as he huffily pointed out, has stood up for her So! many! Times! 

Quick question, though, Richard: Remember that time you had a secret tumor and didn’t tell your wife Adele? Or the time you spent years not telling Meredith about your past affair with her mother? Or, or, or …? I’m just saying, I’d maybe climb down from that high horse if I were you. Meredith told Nick what was going on as a down-the-middle play to both protect Catherine’s secret and make sure that if things went south, someone could get Richard there pronto. As far as Grey’s solutions go, this is about as ethical as it gets.

One positive by-product of this whole mess? Bailey’s quick thinking during the biopsy and her impeccable bedside manner helps Catherine finally see the light long enough to give her her job back. We all knew this was coming — as Catherine admits, Bailey’s mere presence helps make this hospital great — but still, it was satisfying to see. This is bad news, however, for poor Petty Person No. 2, Sydney Heron, who came back to Grey Sloan to take over Bailey’s job only to get booted off after [checks notes] only three weeks. I’d say what the hell, but honestly, this is classic Grey’s. 

Before she hears she’s getting the boot, Sydney’s final act as residency program director is to interview Ben and immediately call him out for showing up four hours early to his interview. Give whoever wrote the words “I say no, no to nepo” a raise, an Emmy, and an Edible Arrangement, because I swear I almost spat Diet Coke all over my laptop screen. After a few very reasonable questions about his job-hopping, Ben explodes and gives Sydney a speech about how he’s talked people off ledges and been married for 12 years and, yet, he somehow still got the job. Who says the job market’s terrible? This guy will be writing LinkedIn broetry about assertive job interview techniques in no time. I’d call him Petty Person No. 3, but really this display was just embarrassing.

Anyway, so ends the reign of Sydney, queen of “healing with love.” As the former president of the Sydney Heron Haters Club and publisher of We Hate Sydney Heron Quarterly, I’ve been shocked to realize how much I love Sydney these days. Maybe I’ve gotten old enough to appreciate her relentless, phony cheer and pointed passive aggression, or maybe it’s just that this season has given Sydney objectively the best lines. For three beautiful weeks, Sydney has been handing out reality checks, cracking terrible jokes (example: “I have some traumatic news — you’re with Owen in the ER”), and apparently planning a retreat for the interns, all while delivering gloriously petty one-liners. Seeing her pack up her things actually made me sad, which is proof that this show can redeem almost anyone. Until next time, Syd! See you in, like, a decade.

Petty Person No. 4 also happens to be my favorite Patient of the Week, Donna — who steadfastly refuses to sign an advance directive because she wants to outlive her “bastard ex-husband.” I fear we have no choice but to stan. Once Donna finds out that her ex already died, she laughs, she cries, and she signs a DNR. Good for her! As if that weren’t enough, she also provides a great excuse for Schmitt to bug James the Hot Chaplain from last week again — and, eventually, flirt his way into a date. Give these two a minivan and two kids to drive to soccer practice, because I’m manifesting it here and now.

Our other Patient of the Week would be Rianne, a surrogate with a fast-growing spine tumor who already got turned away by four surgeons. Lucky for her, Amelia’s still on the waiting list for a new lab after Catherine (again, pettily) confiscated hers, so she’s mostly just twiddling her thumbs and aimlessly staring into microscopes. Why not knock out an impossible surgery in her spare time? Amelia and Teddy successfully complete the operation, which has turned Amelia into a hot commodity for people with impossible surgery cases everywhere — but not before Mika freaks out in the OR and yells at everyone for treating their patient like an “experiment.” What’s going on there …?

Turns out, Mika’s sister has been diagnosed with colorectal cancer at age 22. Cue the denouement of Mika’s relationship (read: multiple make-out sessions) with Jules. Mika can’t deal with anything new right now, and also she’s leaving the show after this season, so she’s decided they should just be friends. Fair enough, but also, sob. It was cute as hell while it lasted.

And speaking of cute… Did any of us buy for a second that Jo was actually going to have her baby at another hospital across town? Given how things work on this show, a giant sinkhole would open up under the one highway she can use to get there right after she goes into labor or something. After watching Amelia and Teddy’s inspiring surgery, she sees the light and decides to have the baby at Grey Sloan. Link’s word choice might be embarrassing, but he isn’t wrong when he says, “If I had a vagina I’d want Carina DeLuca all over it.” Speaking of which, can we get her back on our screens already? Please???

To close things out, let’s discuss Petty Person No. 6, Simone. When Nick puts Lucas on the kidney transplant surgery she’s spent all night cramming for, she is big mad. And I mean livid — like, “Call your boyfriend out as a Shepherd nepo baby”–type livid. (Lot of nepo comments flying around this season! Did these doctors finally do a little reading and discover what nepotism is? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a party? Should we invite Bella Hadid?) Simone’s dig cuts deep for Lucas, who just decided last week that he’d rather repeat his intern year than use his uncle Derek’s connections to get out of trouble. Simone knows it was a low blow, but that also doesn’t stop her from acting skeptical when Nick tries to reassure their freaked-out awake surgery patient that Lucas can handle the procedure, either. I know she’s pissed, but there’s a time and a place.

As much as I love #Lumone, I also need to see less of them fighting and more steamy elevator make-outs. Where’s the passion? Where’s the cute cuddling? Why is all of this happening off-screen now? For these constant moments of friction to work, we need to witness the horniness and emotional connection that holds it all together. Casual, cliché remarks from mentors that they “make each other better” and all that crap will not cut it. Here’s hoping we get more of that next week. Sexual tension is a terrible thing to waste.

The OR Board

• I understand that the awake kidney transplant is supposed to be cool and trailblazing, and that our patient is supposed to be seen as overly anxious because he’s seen it all as a scrub nurse, but an awake surgery — any awake surgery — would be a big “nope, nope, nope” from me. I don’t care if the outcomes are better; knock me the hell out!

• Did anyone else laugh when Amelia and Teddy wheeled Rianne straight into surgery from her consult? Not a minute of waiting, no calls with an insurance company, no nada. Oh, to live in a world where such things are possible …

• Do we have any bets on how long Ben will actually stay in the residency program this time? Also, what’s his next career pivot going to be? Because I fully do not believe he’s going to last more than three years as a surgeon. Sydney’s comment about his lack of “stick-to-itiveness” might’ve set him off, but that’s probably because she read him like an old library book.