Southern Charm Recap: Tommy Bahamas

What the hell is Sienna doing? Okay, Okay, we don’t see much of her conversation with Shep because it wasn’t until the very end of the episode that she sauntered down the hallway in a teeny tiny dress with gift bags for girls she might never get to meet, but everything about this is giving me more red flags than a never-ending Chinese motorcade. I don’t get what her game plan or intentions are. Sure, we could do the mature thing and just wait until the next episode when she and Shep finally have their chat. Or — and hear me out here — we could just wildly speculate and talk about it for a full week before we know the truth. Yeah, that seems like a much better option.

The episode starts with Shep going shopping for vacation clothes with Molly. He’s sorting through a rack of Hawaiian shirts with matching shorts, but he is in the wrong store. He’s trying to impress a 26-year-old woman who isn’t that into him, and he’s going to show up in her native land with sunglasses, tan lines, half a sunburn, and a pink flamingo-themed matching bathing suit set? Dude, that is about as cool as the surface of several suns. At least when Molly shows up in her bikini, she looks, and I believe this is a scientific term: ffffooooooiiiiinnnnneeeee. This is sitting right in front of him, and Shep is too hung up on a girl who doesn’t want to call him back? Please.

The drama between Shep and Sienna is already starting to seep out into the group. When Rodrigo is at lunch with Taylor, he gets a call from Shep and puts him on speakerphone. Taylor says not to tell him she’s there and then proceeds to listen to the whole conversation, which I believe is a violation of the bro code, the Geneva Convention, and the Eileen Davidson Accords. Shep tells Rod he’s conflicted about Sienna and getting mixed signals and says that she’s “inexperienced.” What he means is that she is young, probably too young to be dating a man who is 20 years her senior, and is as ready to settle down as a dog that has just done three laps around himself while staring at the couch cushion.

The ”inexperienced” thing is what Taylor latches onto, though, telling Rodrigo that Shep is diminishing and degrading her. I think Taylor is projecting because this is her experience with Shep, which we have seen on display so many times. I’m sure once Shep settles into a relationship with Sienna, the same thing would happen to her because these fuckboy leopards don’t change their fuckboy spots, but I’m not sure that’s what is happening here. I think Shep is just making excuses for a woman he knows just isn’t that into him, as Paige, Madison, and Miranda Hobbes will all tell him.

When they land in the Bahamas (with Venita missing the plane probably because she’s still bawling with humiliation that Donald Trump Jr Jr rejected her on regional television), Sienna is nowhere to be found. Shep calls several times and it just rings and everyone is nervous whether or not she is even going to show her face on this trip. When she finally answers, she says she’s going to meet Shep at the hotel much later. This is not a woman who is excited to see him; this is a woman who is putting off an obligation. Seeing Shep and her friends, to her, is like scheduling a cleaning at the dentist. That’s just how every boyfriend wants to feel, like taking a number at the DMV.

Don’t worry, though; Shep has a plan! In the car ride over, he pulls a piece of paper out of his shirt pocket and tells the guys he has written down everything he wants to say to Sienna. I don’t know, bro. I feel like there is nothing to say to her. She is the one who is going to decide if this is happening or not, and I feel that the decision has already been made. The note should have been like one from 8th grade, “Are you going to be my girlfriend? Check one. Yes. No.”

The only thing that could derail the Sienna drama is a little room assignment skirmish that happens when they all pull up to the Baha Mar resort. (This is the same resort where The Real Housewives of Miami had a water slide concierge, and if Madison does not avail herself of this service, I will be pissed.) There is a huge suite for the four boys and one for the four girls. The only problem is there are only three bedrooms, which means (gasp) someone will have to share! Our Craigy, the pretty, pretty princess that he is, says that someone in their 30s should not have to share a room. He is not wrong. However, this is a free trip that is also a work event, so share he will! Also, Craig just assumes they’re going to force him to share. Austen and Rodrigo could just take the sharable room, which is what they do to calm the beast. Why even throw a hissy fit before the rooms are decided?

When they all arrive at lunch, Shep says, “Sienna did a lot of work to have us here.” Really? Did she? What work? Did she book the hotel? Did she assign the rooms? Did she greet them at the airport to show them her home? No, she did not. She is actively trying to avoid this whole thing, and I think that Shep trying to convince them she has something to do with this vacation is as foolhardy as trying to plant your ass on a swim-up bar. (Seriously, don’t try it.)

At lunch, things become fraught between Shep and Taylor because Taylor is trying to adjudicate the fallout of her relationship with Shep through his new relationship with Sienna. She asks how long they’ve been exclusive, and Shep says three months on his part, but they haven’t had the conversation yet. Dude? Really! If they haven’t D-ed the R (you know, defined the relationship), then is she even his girlfriend? Is this even real? Taylor asks how soon they said, “I love you,” and Shep says it was about three months in. Taylor asks, “Did you mean it or were you just drunk,” and then in confessional says the first time Shep told her he loved her they were two weeks in and he was absolutely wasted. She says this like it’s some big read on Shep, which it is, but she also then went on to date this guy for years. Isn’t this a bit of a self-own for Taylor?

Taylor springs back admirably. When Shep says he did feel the love, Taylor asks, “Where? On the tip of your dick?” Okay, that is solid work. That is the most that Taylor has given us this season. Nay! It is all Taylor has given us this season. Taylor thinks the problem is that Shep isn’t clearly communicating with Sienna, which, again, is what happened in their relationship and is not happening here. Maybe Shep hasn’t communicated how helplessly he’s in love with her, but it seems like she has figured this out and doesn’t care for him that much. I would never trust boys like Craig and Austen in matters of the heart (heck, I barely trust them to tell me what IPA stands for), but they are right when they say it’s Sienna stringing Shep along.

That becomes abundantly clear when she arrives on the scene. Yes, she has gift bags for everyone, which seems like a nice gesture, but it’s like they’re an afterthought, some kind of swag that she’s been saddled with that she can’t wait to get rid of. Craig says that he is very good at reading people’s auras, and he thinks Sienna’s energy is wildly off when she arrives in the room. Yes, just like Kristen Doute on The Valley, Craig is a world-renowned empath. Just ask him to realign your chakras and give you a sound bath.

Craig knows the vibe is off, and so should anyone witnessing this. That’s why I said I don’t get what Sienna’s game is. She seems like she can’t be bothered with any of this, so why not dump him before he gets on the plane? Why not say, “Have fun at the resort, but things are over with us?” Is it that she wants to do the decent thing and break up with him in person? But then, if she is going to break up with him, why do it at the beginning of the trip when he’s stuck in the Bahamas, stewing in his feelings? Is she going to just string him along for a few more days and then end it before he goes home? Is she sticking with him because she wants to be on the show and wants a little bit of fame? That might be the case, but it’s not like she’s been trying to maximize her camera time in a way that a thirsty wannabe would. I don’t get it. What is her plan here? Is she just, and this is always a distinct possibility, like this?

The guys leave for dinner so Shep can have some alone time with Sienna and so that she can help him pick out an outfit. Wrong move, bro! Craig was right, he should have been in a T-shirt and looking cool when she got there. He should have just left the product in his hair and not made it all messy. He should have picked up his room and put all of his clothes in the drawers or at least in neat piles in his suitcase. Now she shows up, he looks a mess, his room is gross, and she’s confronted with the homework of having to teach a grown man how to dress. None of this is her job, and none of it is going to endear him to her.

The fatal blow comes when they finally pick out his fit, and then she says she’s going to give him room to change. Room to change? For a man that she has been having sex with for the past six months? Oh, that is a major demotion and you can tell by Shep shrieking, “You’ve seen me change a million times,” as she slithers out of the room with a champagne glass and heads downstairs, yes, like a snake, one stair at a time, slowly and with dark purpose, she’s rubbing her belly all over the apartment, her tongue flicking around so that she can see just where to coil, just where to get comfortable before Shep comes down and she can finally deliver the final, venomous blow that will end their relationship for good.