The Bachelor Recap: Save the Dates

Do you remember the good ol’ days? When Corinne showed up at the cocktail party in a bikini and a trench coat? When Kaitlyn said she would want a hall pass after Chris Soules’s time as the Bachelor if they ended up together? All the hot tubs? Literally anything Demi did to get attention?

Maybe I’ve been in the game too long or maybe I’m just in my “old crone” phase of life due to my stem cells being replaced by a 40-year-old’s, but this is not The Bachelor of my youth. Where is the resilience? Where is the toughness? Where is the creativity? Where are the bad bitches!?! I’m sorry, we’re on episode two and we’re already melting down about the pressure and seeing the Bachelor kiss another woman?!?! These women should be scheming and plotting and setting up a kissing-themed cornhole game, but instead they’re upset about Zoe’s completely rizz-less attempt at pulling Grant aside during a group date. Did these women not know what show they were signing up for?! Something is not right about the pace of this season. We should not be seeing, “I can’t handle seeing my future husband kiss someone else” meltdowns until halfway through the season. Every cocktail party should be a whirlwind of everyone stealing Grant away. This is episode two, we should be firmly within “Trying to get a catchphrase over” territory and not “your night-one compliment really triggered me” territory.

Again, I hate to sound like a boomer, but suck it up! Have some fun! I should not be this stressed when it comes to these girlies because they’re not going to make it. At risk of sparking an intergenerational feud, What is going on with these young women? I want to wrap half of them in one of those tinfoil emergency blankets, and I usually don’t have to do that until the first international trip and group date designed to make everyone expose their innermost trauma.

AND SPEAKING OF GROUP DATES — 66.6666666% of the dates on this episode are fucked! The worst one-on-one date I’ve ever seen and a completely ill-placed group date that should not have made this much chaos. Am I the only one who knows how this is supposed to go? Bachelor Cinematic Universe, remember who you are!!

Let’s get into it.

It’s morning in Bachelor Mansion and all the girls are already preparing to be jealous of each other. They’ve reached an uneasy alliance that’s ready to topple at any moment. Rebekah establishes herself early as “Manifestation Girl.” You gotta have a gimmick. Jesse comes in to introduce the concept of dates and explain what will be going on this week. I guess this much instruction is needed because none of the ladytestants seem to know what’s going on. There will be two group dates and Alexe will have (an absolutely terrible) one-on-one date because she got the first-impression rose. The first date card is left on the table and Dina reads it: “Beverly, Sarafiena, Alli Jo, Natalie, Parisa, Vicky, Chloie, Zoe, Juliana, Allysha, it’s time to shoot your shot, Love, Grant.” My favorite reaction is Zoe going “I’m assuming it has to do with basketball.” Elsbeth Tascioni is on the case, ladies and gentlemen! Alli Jo also says if it’s basketball, she doesn’t know how to play but she does know how to fight.

The group date is basketball. Grant grew up playing basketball and his dad used to drop him off at the park for hours to play against older kids. I assume Grant was some sort of mythic figure in his hometown, a basketball assassin who arrived in the park to strike fear into the hearts of eighth-graders. Grant uses his date to introduce that he wants to pass down basketball and the lessons he learned on the court to his kids. The coaches for the game are kids, there are lots of kids who are playing with the women. Grant wants to observe the women with kids.

Whatever a “Wife Guy” for kids is, that’s what Grant currently is, and he will ascend to his final form whenever he does actually have kids. And let’s just get this out the way: I have no problem with someone wanting kids or having that as a goal. I just get weirded out when Grant doesn’t seem to have much interest in any other aspect of the women’s lives. Anything any ladytestant does gets connected back to how she would be with kids. Later in the episode, he does a good job of talking about emotional availability, but for the majority of the episode we’re not getting any conversations about past relationships or current jobs (unless they have to do with kids).

During the group date, the main drama is Zoe has decided that this is the moment she’s going to lock in and shoot her shot. She steals Grant away during the dunk contest and leaves everyone standing around with nothing to do. Immediate reaction: mildly hilarious. Seeing them wait for an elevator while Alli Jo taps into her New Jersey rage is very good. But once she gets up to the roof, Zoe doesn’t have a plan. Come on, girlfriend! Kiss him! Take off your top! Slit your palms and form a blood oath! Do something! She’s got the right idea but absolutely zero execution. They stand around awkwardly and Grant asks her if she’s having fun. Corinne would have tied upward of seven cherry stems in her mouth by now. On their way back to the group, the other women realize there are no rules but … don’t take advantage of the moment at all.

It’s time for the Bachelor Basketball Showdown and the women have been sorted into teams, seemingly based on height. The women are losing nails left and right! Zoe and Alli Jo are playing like they’re on the ’90s Detroit Pistons. In the end, the Purple Team absolutely dominates and Chloie wins MVP. The crowd chants “Kiss! Kiss!” and they share a quick kiss before Chloie gets Grant’s letterman jacket. It’s time for the evening portion of the date.

Grant takes Chloie away right away, and let me make my prediction now: If she makes it to the top six, Chloie will be the next Bachelorette and they’ll call it a win for “body positivity” or something. Meanwhile, the rest of the ladytestants are trying to impress upon Zoe that what she did was wrong. Newsflash! It wasn’t! In fact, it was probably encouraged by production, if they didn’t give her the idea. It’s being framed as disrespectful. I wouldn’t call it disrespectful. I’d call it “inelegant execution of a brilliant idea.” If you’re gonna steal him away, at least get a kiss. They all say it was the wrong place, wrong time. Zoe asks, “When is the right time? When we’re at home, without him?” Thank you! Alli Jo says that Zoe didn’t earn that time with Grant. For someone who says she’s ready to fight, Alli Jo is doing a lot of complaining.

Meanwhile, Natalie is off earning that group-date rose. She took some time during the basketball date to help calm down a little girl who couldn’t catch her breath and Grant noticed. They talk about how their future kids would be tall and they would have to be athletes. I’ve never wanted someone’s future child to play the oboe more. Later, Grant gives Juliana a hand massage because her nails snapped off. He’s really into her. When the Bachelor is bringing you a gimmick on the group date, that’s a good sign! While Grant and Juliana are smooching, the camera zooms out to reveal Zoe standing in the shadows, Nosferatu-style. Zoe takes the time to tell him she’s emotionally guarded. Grant says he’s ready to kick those walls down.

Alli Jo is sitting down with Grant, and Zoe hides behind a pillar and asks if she can say her good nights, and worst sign of all, Grant goes with her. Sorry, Alli Jo, you’re cooked. When the ladytestants are all back together, Alli Jo asks Zoe, “What’s your problem? You want your time? You had it, baby girl. You need that much attention? You’re that insecure?” In chess, they call that a Newark Opening. Zoe has the only response: “No one said you couldn’t take him or say no.” And that’s how you play the game. Natalie gets the group-date rose.

It’s time for THE WORST ONE-ON-ONE DATE IN MEMORY. Alexe and Grant go to the mall at night. That’s it??????? Everything is closed. Everything is dark, and the only things open are a mattress store and one food stand. I hate this. What fell through? What happened to the budget? Does Grant hate Alexe? They each open up about their families and say that they want to run around like little kids in the mall. Okay, but in that dream, the mall is open and you can eat as much as you want and try on all the expensive clothes. Or get to try flipping a shrimp into a chef’s hat in an empty Benihana. This is just walking to your car when the movie gets out. This is “Midnight Showing of Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace–core.” When it’s time for their romantic dance, Grant just puts a tape in a boom box!! Alexe gets the rose but I’d be worried about her long-term prospects.

It’s time for the final group date of the week, and this is way too early in the date running order. The performance or writing date should be episode three or later. Episode-two group dates should be silly-outfit or obstacle-course based. Everyone feels way too exposed and vulnerable to write a few stupid lyrics in front of MARIO and learn an eight-count from CREATOR OF THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS ROBIN ANTIN. But really — what’s going on here? They’re on a reality-TV show, and they’re freaking out about putting on some metallic cargos and bustiers and doing a lil step-touch. I have a few suggestions on how to improve this group date: Take some inspiration from RuPaul’s Drag Race and turn them into a real girl group. Have a chorus ready, some choreo for the ladies waiting to do their verse, and teach them how to write a setup/punch-line comedic verse. Someone needs to sing “My name is ______ and I’m here to make it clear / I know you love me, baby, that’s why you brought me here.”

I’m choosing not to comment on Grant’s rap. It’s Black History Month and I don’t want to tear down one of my brothers like that.

The two standout performances are Rebekah, who loves to perform and writes Mrs. Ellis on her back, and Carolina, who correctly pivots to sitting on Grant’s lap and singing to him in Spanish. Carolina wins and gets to dance with Grant while Mario serenades them. By the end of the song, she has fully mounted him and they’re making out. HOT BITCH MOVES. I’m putting her in my final four. But of course, this sets everyone off. Rightly so, but the reaction is truly wild. When they head to the evening portion of the date, it seems like no one wants to either throw down the gauntlet or just confront Carolina. Instead, they all vaguely talk about the pressure and “how hard this journey is” after spending two nights in the mansion. Grant comes in for the evening portion of the date and notices immediately that the vibes are weird. He pulls Rebekah aside and asks her what’s going on. Rebekah subtly shades him and says she’s supportive of whatever he needs to do to get the outcome he’s looking for. She’s about to manifest everyone into a Bad Time.

Dina tries to explain to Carolina that she made everyone feel bad by grinding up on Grant, and Carolina says she was trying to take advantage of the moment she had. Okay, here’s one theory about what’s going on: A lot of the girls on this date seem truly stunned that they would have to work to get Grant’s attention and that he wouldn’t be choosing them over and over all the time. It doesn’t seem like they prepared themselves emotionally for any part of this because seeing the lead with other women and not being chosen is the mental game you have to play. Kelsey from Joey’s season has joked over and over that she basically doesn’t even process jealousy anymore because of how they met. And instead of steeling their spines or being vulnerable to Grant, most of the women focus on being passive-aggressive to Carolina.

Then the other baffling interaction of the episode happens. Litia has been holding it in that Grant said to her on night one, “You’re so beautiful, I bet no one has told you no.” She is triggered by this and of course someone has told her no. Why does he think she’s on the show? This is an example of Cultural Fluency because Grant doesn’t literally mean that no one has ever told her no. He’s giving her an Old Head compliment. The man is Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds–coded. If he asks if you wanna knock boots, he ain’t talking about Timbs! If he’s talking about his “pony” and his “saddle” is waiting — ain’t no horse in sight, baby. If he says “all I wanna do is zoom a zoom zoom zoom and a poom poom,” just shake ya rump, Litia. She gets the group-date rose. Sure.

It’s time for the cocktail party and the main story is Bailey cannot stop weeping. Oh, and the theme is Emotional Availability. Listen, we’ve all been there when your face just starts leaking and there’s nothing you can do about it. Bailey is holding court with her big feelings and trying to figure out how to talk to Grant without crying. She does not accomplish her goal. And this is another one I just can’t puzzle out. It seems like she knows she’s not doing well and just can’t course-correct, but is there more there? She says she compensates with being funny and having a good time. Can the funny please report to the front? Later, Zoe flips Grant to the ground. Hottest of hot bitch moves.

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Juliana, Beverly, Sarafiena, Carolina, Zoe, Dina, Rose, Bailey, Parisa, Alli Jo, and Chloie all get roses. Vicky, Rebeka, Allysha, and a completely distraught and delusional Ella go home.

Next week! Lisa Vanderpump Dogs! The shortest dress I’ve ever seen in my life! Everyone weeping!