The Traitors Recap: A Doll’s House

This is the worst day of my life. Chrishell Stause has been murdered by the Traitors. This feels like a personal attack. Why would the Traitors punish me like this? Is it because I’ve spent every single recap thus far talking about how bad they are at this game? I’ll take it all back for even just one more episode with Chrishell. I haven’t even gotten to bring up how she was named after a gas station or mention her past engagement to Matthew Morrison! Alas, she’s left us — albeit in the most fittingly melodramatic way possible given her history as an Emmy-nominated soap star. At least she exits in style, carried out of the church in a coffin.

As the other players who were at risk enter the dining room one by one the next morning, a new sleuth emerges from the group. Sam Asghari, who has said perhaps a combined five words all season, has suddenly clocked in and is ready to play. As the nominees for murder each recount their experiences, with Gabby mentioning the gorgeous decor and Tom shouting out Alan’s outfit, Sam has a realization. If one of the nominees was a Traitor, they might not know what Alan was wearing — so they can quiz them over breakfast. Anybody stumped could be a Traitor. Apparently, Sam has been spending this whole season hiding the fact that he’s a genius?

So when Carolyn crashes through the dining room door like Kramer, she’s immediately questioned about what exactly she experienced in the chapel. Eventually, Ciara comes right out and asks her what Alan was wearing, and Carolyn chokes. I believe her exact response was something like, “What it is, it’s like, it’s kinda like, uh, this is how I, the d—, the black, like…” But Carolyn ends up lucky for two reasons: A) that’s kind of how she speaks no matter what, and B) Tom Sandoval interrupts her to answer the question himself, defeating the whole purpose and frustrating everybody at the table. I really don’t want to come here every week and call Tom Sandoval an idiot, but he really gives me no other choice. At least he’s an idiot who makes great television. “She’s on the line of pass or fail, but I think she passed,” Gabby laughs, and just like that Carolyn is off the hook.

It’s when Dylan walks in that the room finds out that it was Chrishell who met her demise in the night, and we flash back to her getting the news from the Traitors themselves. She admits she wasn’t surprised to see Danielle, but seeing Carolyn shocked her — which feels right. They tell her she was simply too faithful and thus would never have been banished otherwise, but couldn’t the same have been said for Dylan? To me that would have been the smarter choice because not only is he cemented in everybody’s minds as a Faithful, but he’s also one that’s out for blood far more than Chrishell is. Oh well, some mistakes can’t be undone.

But speaking of coffins, after breakfast Sam unearths their theory from a few weeks ago, when they were all convinced that one of the three players that the Traitors put in the coffins was likely a Traitor themselves. Since Jeremy and Nikki are both out of the game, that leaves Ciara — so Sam has his eyes set on her. It’s not a great sign that the Faithfuls have so few leads that they have to resort to ideas from weeks ago, but sometimes you just have to see these things through to make sure. Plus, Britney adds fuel to the fire by noting that Ciara agreed with everything Rob was saying at the roundtable, so things don’t look great for her.

At least this week’s mission doesn’t involve any bugs, but it does feature something that’s arguably even creepier. Alan, dressed in his finest PanAm flight attendant uniform, tells them all that half of them will be sent to a cabin in the woods filled with antique dolls. It’s at this moment that I’d respectfully bow out, pack up all my little kilts and headbands, and demand production fly me home. But our players stay strong, even upon hearing that these dolls all creepily sing a nursery rhyme backward. The players in the cabin must memorize and sing this backward song via phone to the players back at the castle. In turn, those players have to sing it into a gramophone and reverse it to identify what song it is. I hope one of the dolls sings “Work It” by Missy Elliot.

A musical challenge? This is Tom Sandoval and his false sense of confidence’s time to shine. If you’re unfamiliar, Tom was in several failed bands throughout Vanderpump Rules’s run and most famously fancies himself a trumpet player — so he’s locked in for this mission. “Terrible singer,” Sam says upon hearing Tom try to mimic the doll into the phone. A tough blow. Even worse, they have no luck in their attempt to reverse it.

There are so many opportunities for things to go wrong in this literal game of telephone that I can’t fathom them figuring out any of these songs at all. But against all odds, they somehow get into a rhythm, solving “Row Row Row Your Boat” first. In theory, these songs being basic nursery rhymes makes this challenge easier, but I know I’d get them way quicker if they were all songs by other reality stars. “Good as Gold” by Scheana Shay? I’d only need two notes to identify. But I guess that would give Sandoval an unfair advantage. In the midst of their victory streak, a bear catches Ciara’s eye. No, not Ivar. A stuffed animal on the ground covered in leaves, which she grabs, scoring her the mission’s one shield.

While I still have my doubts as to whether this motley crew was actually able to solve so many of these or if production eventually let them play on “easy mode” somehow, they rack up a good amount of money for the prize pot. And while Ciara might have gotten to walk away with a shield, it’s still unclear if she’ll even get the chance to use it since all eyes seem to be on her this week. Luckily, she’s caught wind of this, so, with the help of Carolyn, she prepares her rebuttal, which is to come for Britney, who still has some of Rob’s stink on her. This is music to Carolyn’s ears since she’s already wary of Britney’s alliance with Danielle. Breaking that up will make her feel way safer with her fellow Traitor.

When our gang hits the roundtable, Ciara wastes no time kicking things off by pushing back on the coffin theory. But Ivar then chimes in with his secondary evidence, which is the theory that at least one of the remaining Traitors is a girl. This makes no sense to me, and I take it as nothing more than wild speculation, yet somehow it’s being presented as concrete evidence. But then it really gets good. Tom Sandoval … wait no, let me really reiterate this … TOM SANDOVAL chimes in to say, “Historically, girls are better cheaters than guys.” The whole room screams. Remember, this is the same Tom Sandoval who cheated on his girlfriend so crazily that CNN covered it, and then they let her perform in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

He instantly tries to backtrack, claiming that he meant to say Traitors, not cheaters. And I do believe him because he has proven himself to be just that dumb. But it was a Freudian slip of epic proportions, and god bless him for it.

When that excitement dies down, Ciara gets the chance to throw out Britney’s name, accusing her of laying too low. Alright, I was kind of hoping she’d have put together a better case against Britney, but okay!

When Danielle’s name comes up, she starts out by saying, “I’m a Faithful, you guys.” This is my favorite defense, and it comes up every week. Because imagine if it worked. Imagine if somebody said this, and the whole table just went, ‘Oh! Okay, well, I guess she can’t be a Traitor because she said she’s a Faithful.’ Hilarious. But in addition to that opening, Danielle actually had a really strong defense, and I’m thrilled to finally get the chance to write something nice about her game. She succinctly says that she voted for Boston Rob twice, and she was close to all of the people who had been killed. Period. And it worked!

Unfortunately, Ciara didn’t have such luck. Seeking to finally close the lid on the coffin theory once and for all, everybody writes down her name, banishing her from the game. As they all lick their wounds, disappointed to have lost another Faithful, Carolyn tries to get to the bottom of who has/had the shield from the mission. When she wonders if it left the game with Ciara, Tom, and Gabby smartly maintain that that wasn’t the case at all in an attempt to keep the whole cabin squad safe — or safer.

So she then tries to get it out of Danielle, who bizarrely says she won’t say until later when they’re in the turret. That doesn’t inspire confidence that they have each other’s backs. But before they can get into it further, Dylan comes out of the closet (don’t get your hopes up, just the wine closet), where he’s been chatting with Ivar and Sam. “That looks sus,” Danielle tells him, visibly reveling in someone else besides her looking suspicious for once.

When our last two Traitors standing get to the turret, Danielle does share that Ciara had the shield, which means they can kill anybody they want …if they even want to kill. Killing is no longer a given, they find out, as Alan enters with a proposal we’ve all been waiting for. They can either kill as usual or try to seduce a Faithful to join their ranks. Naturally, they completely disagree on what their move should be. Even when Danielle tries to convince Carolyn to recruit someone, they disagree on who, because Carolyn wisely will not allow her to recruit Britney. She thinks that pair will instantly team up against her, and she’s right. Here’s hoping Carolyn stands her ground.