The Traitors Recap: Queens & Pawns

Murder or seduction? Those are the two possibilities on the table anytime I open a dating app. It’s also the choice presented to mortal enemies and co-Traitors Carolyn and Danielle. Despite Danielle’s pleading and whining, Carolyn wisely refuses to recruit Britney to their ranks. She knows that once Danielle links up with her pal, it’ll be game over for her. In fact, Danielle is so clearly eager to ditch her that bringing just about anybody else into the turret would spell bad news for Carolyn — so she successfully manages to put the kibosh on that course of action altogether.

So instead, they have to choose somebody to kill, which is a decision that doesn’t come easily either. In fact, I think every single decision made in the turret this season has been like pulling teeth. These two women hate each other, so it’s hard to imagine them agreeing on what to have for breakfast, let alone who to kill. While it seems like they might have hit a brick wall, they ultimately are able to narrow down their decision to Sam, Dylan, or Dolores.

When Dolores walked through the door at breakfast, I fell to my knees with relief. As I did when Dylan walked in, but for different reasons. Naturally, that meant that Sam, after one week of actually speaking up and playing the game, was killed. Let this be a lesson to men everywhere who are thinking about opening their mouths — don’t. As Sam packs his bags to head home, I just hope he remembers that while people can take everything away from him, they can never take his truth. He might be wondering why everybody was talking all that stuff about him and why they don’t just let him live. But eliminating him from the game was simply Carolyn and Danielle’s prerogative.

Even outside of the turret, it’s clear that the current battle being waged is between Carolyn and Danielle. Yes, Tom’s technically still pursuing his theory against Dolores, determined to be the last Bravolebrity standing, but nobody’s biting. Probably because it’s a really dumb idea. So all the talk in the halls of the castle comes down to Danielle or Carolyn — and both are just waiting for the all-clear to pounce on the other.

In her confessional, Danielle tells us that she’s sick of working with Carolyn, and she has no idea what she has coming. Here’s the thing, Danielle … Carolyn absolutely knows what you have planned. Don’t sit there acting like some kind of mastermind when Carolyn has been aware this entire game that all you want to do is get her out. It’s the very reason she didn’t let you recruit Britney! How does she know that you want to turn on her? Because you keep getting caught trying to turn on her! So don’t act like you’re about to blindside her with your disloyalty when you’ve been disloyal to her the entire time. If you really wanted to surprise her, you’d work with her and make a smart move for the first time all season.

And what a bizarre season it’s been. Gabby made a comment this episode speculating that the Traitors might turn on each other at some point if they haven’t already, and all I wanted to do was talk to her through the screen and tell her everything. Have we ever seen the Traitors be quite this cannibalistic?

But before we see these two go after each other at the roundtable, we still have a whole mission to get through, and this week it’s a game of human chess. Not real chess of course — this group would barely be able to handle checkers — but rather a game with the aesthetics of chess. The previous night the Traitors were asked questions about the players, and now they all must try to figure out who’s name was given for each answer. It begs the question: just how long were Carolyn and Danielle stuck up in that turret last night?

Since it wouldn’t be chess without a couple of queens, Alan welcomes two advisors to join the mix: living legends Parvati Shallow and Kate Chastain. I could practically hear a grateful nation cheering in delight. Parvati (Survivor) was last year’s headband-wearing breakout, while Kate (Below Deck) was such a hit in season one that she’s now been brought back in some capacity every year. May their reign continue! In fact, they should be brought on every week to be the chic Statler and Waldorf who observe and comment on every mission.

As the players are asked questions like who among them is the biggest snake slithering under the radar, Dylan recognizes that this mission is a great opportunity to study how people answer as a way to gauge who might be a Traitor. After all, if they’re too good at getting the answers right, that could be because they were the ones who answered them. When the group lands on Britney for the slithering question, Danielle chimes in with, “It’s Britney, bitch,” politely waiting until Sam’s expulsion to make the reference.

As the group tries to decide who the leader of the pack is, our commentators, Parv and Kate, chime in with their expert commentary. In fact, now that I think about it, Peacock should give the two of them a Gogglebox-styles show where we can just watch them watch The Traitors every week. That’s a free idea for you to run with, Peacock. All I ask for in return is one million dollars. It’s during this commentary that Kate points out that Dylan reminds her of Pilot Pete, which is a comparison we’ve been making all season. It’s particularly impressive given that Kate was able to clock that after just a few minutes of watching them all in action.

Speaking of apt observations, after Dolores mentions that Carolyn correctly guessed one of the answers, Carolyn immediately gets very defensive and awkwardly denies it. This, unfortunately, catches Dylan’s eye as potentially suspicious behavior. To make matters worse, when she then correctly puts herself up as the one nobody listens to, it makes her look way too privy to these answers. That could be concrete evidence at a roundtable, a place where evidence is usually something dumb and intangible, like vibes. But even still, people are so quick to count her out that she might be able to get away with anything. At one point, Ivar even wonders if she’d be able to pull it off, saying, “If she does, she deserves an Oscar.” Is the Academy listening? There’s still time!

After the mission, Dylan lets Carolyn know that tonight looks to be a match-up between her and Danielle, which is a position he doesn’t want to be in. It’s also a position that Carolyn wants to be in even less, but then again, it gives her a free pass to unleash on Danielle. It’s in this conversation, as she pleads her case to Dylan, that she has a vulnerable moment with him about how she’s constantly dismissed or not listened to. She even calls him out, asking, “If it were Boston Rob telling you this stuff, would you have listened differently? That is something I deal with every day of my life … people just don’t listen.” Even Dylan admits that she’s right, and he’s sad to catch himself doing just that. Even so, as far as he knows, she still might be a Traitor.

When the roundtable begins, there’s a moment where it feels like two cowboys having a standoff in a western. That silence is broken by Carolyn, who kicks things off by going after Danielle. Her biggest argument is that Faithfuls have no reason to lie whatsoever, and Danielle got caught in a lie earlier this season when she accused Carolyn of throwing out Britney’s name. Danielle counters by maintaining that this did happen, but what she’s not saying is that she’s referring to something Carolyn said in the turret. She mentioned Britney’s name for murder, not banishment, and she was vague enough that I guess, technically, she’s being truthful.

Danielle then argues that Carolyn’s aloof demeanor is all an act, à la Columbo, meant to trick people into underestimating her. It’s a good argument even though it’s incorrect and even Dylan, having watched Carolyn’s season of Survivor, chimes in to confirm that that’s just her personality. Carolyn doesn’t know what Columbo means, which is perfect.

Truthfully, I wasn’t wowed by either of their arguments. They both tried their best to offer up something, but understandably all of the juicy stuff they have on one another can’t really be said without revealing the fact that they’re both Traitors. What happens in the turret has to, unfortunately, stay in the turret. When votes are cast, Dolores and Tom waste theirs on each other, which is annoying, so the deciding vote comes down to Dylan, which feels right dramaturgically. Ultimately, he puts the nail in Carolyn’s coffin.

I’m so sick of this dumbass show that I’ll never stop watching. Suddenly, I can understand men punching holes in walls while watching football games. I hated everything about this. Carolyn was playing an excellent, smart game that was sabotaged by the fact that she happened to be assigned a selfish Traitor who is bad at the game. But, you might be protesting (if you’re Danielle), doesn’t the fact that she’s the last Traitor standing mean she might be good at the game after all? No! It does not! Everything that has gone well for Danielle has been despite her actions, not because of them. In fact, it’s a miracle she’s lasted this long while playing so poorly. It’s bad game play, yes, but her biggest crime is actually that it’s annoying and not fun to watch.

Take, for example, her embarrassingly dramatic “shocked” reaction when Carolyn reveals she’s a Traitor. Danielle literally falls to the ground, sobbing and hyperventilating. It’s like she’s in a courtroom. She looks like a complete dweeb, but to her credit, she’s the last dweeb standing … for now.

But just because she got out a Traitor doesn’t mean she’s in the clear. Gabby, also known as America’s Sweetheart, floats the possibility that tonight’s battle was Traitor v. Traitor, à la Rob and Bob. Even Britney starts to consider this possibility, thinking that maybe Danielle being a Traitor is why she hasn’t been murdered all this time. But she won’t have to linger in this uncertainty for long.

When Danielle heads to the turret, all alone, just like she always wanted, Alan enters to tell her it’s time to recruit an accomplice. She will summon one of them to the castle’s dungeon, where she’ll give them an ultimatum face-to-face: join her or die. I would choose to die, but to each their own! I love the show’s commitment to the theatrics here despite it being the most anticlimactic decision all season. We all know she’s choosing Britney, and that’s exactly what she does. When Britney agrees, the two of them will get to decide together who to kill.