The White Lotus Kill-or-Be-Killed Report: Chattering Monkey Minds

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The White Lotus Kill Or Be Killed Report is a weekly check-in with the guests and employees at this cursed hotel chain to speculate who’s most likely to murder, and/or end up murdered, following this week’s episode.

In the two and a half years since we last followed a ragtag group of miserable rich people to paradise with The White Lotus, much has changed in our cruel, hard world. Sabrina Carpenter was still best known to the unenlightened masses as the alleged “blonde girl” from “Drivers License”; AI was not yet being shoved into our faces with zero opt-out mechanisms, like that U2 album onto our iPhones that one time; America was still, to be generous about it, democracy-adjacent; Emily was still in Paris.

But it’s time to catch up with a new batch of mopey millionaires who apparently didn’t do any due diligence to confirm that the White Lotus is a luxury hotel where they could relax in peace and without any homicides on the premises. Though it is slush-sleeting outside as I write this, on our screens we’re in balmy, beautiful Thailand, where the idyll lasts for approximately seven minutes before it is punctured by the rat-a-tat of gunshots. You know what that means: Someone(s) is/are killing, and someone(s) is/are being killed. The question is WHO? Welcome back to The White Lotus Kill-or-Be-Killed Report. Who seems like they’ve got murder in their heart, and who won’t make it out of this vacation alive? Let’s calm our chattering monkey minds and get guessing.

Victoria Ratliff (Parker Posey)

Parker Posey being on The White Lotus feels … incredibly correct. Always a pleasure to see our favorite party girl doing a Big Accent™. Love the way she hits those vowels in “Aah wuz also a TAHR-heel.” I am aware that alumni of both Duke and UNC will have very strong feelings about the way they are being represented on this program, the former by a hard-driving white-collar-criminal father and the latter by a pill-popping, zonked-out, chill-with-sexism-because-her-family-is-so-gorgeous mom, and I look forward to seeing your respective defenses in the comments.

Will she kill or be killed? Hard to imagine someone on so much lorazepam rousing herself for a killing spree, but in her defense, she’s still jet-lagged. I wouldn’t count her out just yet.

Timothy Ratliff (Jason Isaacs)

Timothy does NOT want to be in a “digital-detox zone,” okay????? He is missing IMPORTANT calls from The Wall Street Journal. It’s probably nothing! Definitely nothing weird going on with his old business partner, Kenny, and their investments (?) in Brunei! On the boat — which is to say, like, .02 minutes into this vacation — he gets into some dumb aggro-dude fight with Rick, and their chemistry does not improve on land. The odds of one of them trying to kill the other before this week is out feel pretty high to me.

Will he kill or be killed? He for sure seems like someone who could kill. This, however, makes me think we are being set up to expect him to be a homicidal maniac when, actually, he is a victim of someone else’s homicidal mania.

Saxon Ratliff (Patrick Schwarzenegger)

The eldest boy is here to be the Dukiest Dukeson Who Ever Duked: He loves working and doesn’t need a vacation and is sexually aggressive in literally every context, including with his immediate family (speculating salaciously about his “hot” sister’s virginity, then asking his brother about porn and strutting naked to the bathroom in front of him … strong Flowers in the Attic energy, no?). His motto: “Get laid, get everything.” Subtle!

Will he kill or be killed? This guy has American Psycho eyes. We could be getting set up for a twist, but right now let’s not overthink it. He could absolutely be a killer.

Piper Ratliff (Sarah Catherine Hook)

The UNC daughter, ostensibly the reason for the entire Ratliff-family vacation, is here to interview a monk. Though I know it is the eldest son’s sexual energy we are supposed to clock as the most outrageous and off-putting, I do feel it’s worth noting the tone in which Piper says, “He can stay with me — I don’t mind” re: brother Lochlan.

Will she kill or be killed? The girl who took a trip to study Buddhism? I mean, I HOPE she’s not a killer, and I would hate to see her die on this vacation, so let’s pray she emerges from the whole ordeal unscathed.

Lochlan Ratliff (Sam Nivola)

The baby of the family being tug-of-warred by his siblings, Lochlan seems, to me, most likely to wind up having sex with whomever his brother can’t get, thus shattering the older boy’s entire worldview.

Will he kill or be killed? He feels too gentle for either path.

The “victory lap” blondes: Laurie (Carrie Coon), Jaclyn (Michelle Monaghan), and Kate (Leslie Bibb)

Long-term besties who are seething with resentment for one another … you simply love to see it! We’ve got Jaclyn — she’s giving a little bit Alexis, don’t you think? — a TV star who sprung for this trip with her nearest and dearest, though it becomes clear they aren’t all that near or dear anymore. They basically never see one another, lie about the kinds of things you would obviously share with your closest female friends (e.g., what work you’ve gotten done), and gossip about whichever one of them happens to be out of the room. There’s Kate, desperate to be perceived as both a grounded normie and an equal of Jac’s — I mean, hello, her husband has a big company, so she totally gets what it’s like to have to wonder about people’s motives when they’re nice to you! — and Laurie, the corporate gunner who just works so hard and who, when left alone to watch her friends through the window, bursts into violent sobs.

Will they kill or be killed? When Laurie’s friends started negging her directly to her face, I wrote in my notes, “I can’t wait for her to kill people.” But let’s see how things progress. Kate could snap, you know? It’s so much pressure for her!! Because of Dave’s job!!!

Belinda (Natasha Rothwell)

The brand loyalty here is really something given Belinda’s prior experiences at the White Lotus. But who am I to argue with the return of Natasha Rothwell? She’s here to “bring the magic back to Maui” and be visited by her hot son.

Will she kill or be killed? Well, we know it’s not her in the water at the end because (I should hope) her son would’ve reacted to finding his mom’s body a liiiiittle differently. She arrives in such a state of zen that it doesn’t feel as though she would go full Rambo. But, hey, maybe she’ll change? Growth!

Chelsea (Aimee Lou Wood)

This Sex Education darling is the pure-of-heart much younger girlfriend of Rick’s. She is both absurdly naïve and surprisingly savvy: She doesn’t realize that the little pour of wine is just for tasting purposes, but she does immediately clock that Saxon is a prick. We don’t know how she and Rick got together or how long they’ve been a thing, but we do know that she only wants what’s best for him: a gentleman’s facial because “the lady in the airport thought you were my dad” and Tantric sex to cheer him up. She believes “the cosmos brought us together so we could get to the root of your issues. I’m going to help you get your joy back! Even if it kills me.” Which it better not!

Will she kill or be killed? I refuse to believe that she could ever hurt anyone. If she kills someone, I’m sure she has her reasons.

Rick (Walton Goggins)

Rick is a totally normal man — nothing suspicious about him: He cannot go to Australia for reasons unclear; he responds to his girlfriend asking him questions by accusing her of being “like a fucking machine gun”; he perks up noticeably when he hears Sritala, the owner, talk about her rich American husband, who is in Bangkok. Righteous Gemstones freaks know what a joy it is to watch Goggins play a schemer (and, of course, some of us have been in his corner since we dug coal together), so I am looking forward to finding out what style of chicanery he’s into this time.

Will he kill or be killed? So far, Rick is one of our shadiest characters. He already has a trip nemesis (Timothy) and secrets he’d kill to keep. (WHY can’t he go to Australia??) Extremely likely to kill, but this also means his risk of being killed is equally high.

Mook (Lalisa Manobal) and Gaitok (Tayme Thapthimthong)

I appreciate that one of the first things anybody says to Mook is “You are SO pretty.” Like, yes, let’s just say that quiet part out loud re: the K-pop star pretending to be a normie who works at a hotel. Gaitok, her sweetheart of a co-worker, is hopelessly devoted to her, and can you blame him? It feels relevant that he once saved a drowning man, seeing as the one definitely dead person we know about is found face down in the water. I worry he is too pure for this world.

Will they kill or be killed? Would Gaitok kill for Mook? Yes, but … he seems more likely to be murdered than commit murder to me. I do not want to put in writing ANY negative speculation about Mook because I fear and respect the Blinks and wish only for Lisa’s every happiness in fiction and in life!!

Chloe (Charlotte Le Bon)

A double for Chelsea, right down to the similar name, Chloe is a “model” (she’s a sex worker, right? This is a Willa-from-Succession situation?) who is here to lift Chelsea’s spirits. She, too, has a much older boyfriend who loves to hide from her and whom you may recognize as Greg — like, Tanya’s Greg! — from last season. Love her read of all the “bald white guys” in Thailand, code-named “LBHs”: losers back home.

Will she kill or be killed? I 100 percent believe Chloe is capable of murder.

Greg (Jon Gries)

He’s baaaaack! He doesn’t get a whole lot to do this week, but we know how he made his money (having his wife killed so he could inherit her fortune, allegedly), which makes me very worried about everyone in his orbit, starting with Chloe.

We he kill or be killed? God, I hope he gets killed. Though I recall Jennifer Coolidge saying she thought death was too good for him and she wanted Greg to be “rotting in a horrific jail.” My prediction: He will TRY to kill, but he will actually be killed. Justice!

Too soon to say:

I WILL be keeping an eye on Fabian, the general manager (it’s a hard job, and anything could happen); Sritala (is she telling the truth about her husband? Also, she’s an actress … is her whole LIFE an act?); Pam (I wrote in my notes, “If I were her, I would want to kill everyone lol”); Valentin, the outrageously chiseled “health mentor” from Russia (I trust we will be seeing more of him); and the tree monkeys (they have opposable thumbs! Do NOT rule them out).