Abbott Elementary Recap: Clean Freak

Amidst the excitement for the new season, I fear I misrated last week’s episode: the premiere was four stars compared to tonight. The episode is filled to the brim with laughs, and it feels as if the cast and writers are like racehorses at the starting gate, ready to leave last year’s stunted season in the past and fire on all cylinders. Having a longer season means more episodes like this one that don’t necessarily drive the plot but explore situational comedy in a school environment. I love this, as the writers are strong at observational humor, and it’s less trope-y than some of the plot-heavy episodes. And, as someone diagnosed with OCD, I found it particularly funny. I say this not to overshare but to emphasize how great of a love litmus test sharing germs is for people like Gregory. To be clear, we have no idea if Gregory lives with OCD, and I am by no means qualified to diagnose even a fictional character, but I think we can all agree he’s definitely a germaphobe. So, naturally, when one of Jacob’s students becomes patient zero of a ringworm outbreak at Abbott, the touchy-feely bubble of the early stage of Gregory’s relationship with Janine quickly bursts, becoming their first real speed bump since going public.

Intimacy can be hard when you view germs as an agent of chaos and not a natural and necessary part of our environment — swapping spit and sharing close quarters is a testament to how much we care about someone. However, ringworms aren’t equivalent to the casual germs we encounter daily that cause colds. Ringworm has nothing to do with germs. No, we’re talking about fungi, which Gregory manically describes to his student’s fearful faces as “tiny little creatures crawling all over your body, thriving in moist areas.” And, as Ava and Janine point out, something as highly contagious as ringworm is nearly impossible to contain among younger children. Jacob first spots the breakout when one of his students, Brandon, begins to compulsively scratch the same spot on his arm. He sends Brandon home and sanitizes every surface, pridefully relaying to his coworkers in the breakroom what he believes to have been on-the-spot problem-solving to prevent a bigger problem. But once the others hear about the outbreak, they spring to action in the most on-brand ways: Gregory swiftly packs his things and flees, Mr. Johnson questions who is responsible for cleaning the school, Barbara praises God for giving her immunity because she already had ringworm years ago (which is not at all scientifically possible), while Janine and Ava come up with a plan.

For once, Janine and Ava are on the same page, though they use comically different words to describe the strategy — Janine’s being elementary friendly while Ava’s drip with her apocalyptic preparation. Janine proposes to contain the spread by separating “special” students, while Ava says to “isolate the contamination.” Ava wants to “perform ruthless surveillance,” while Janine suggests monitoring behavior. However you slice it, Abbott goes into emergency mode, ready to fight off the dangers of the fungus. As always, Janine is eager to be on the front lines of a school emergency, but when she does her signature knock on Gregory’s classroom door, and her boyfriend barely lets her in, asking for verbal proof that she washed her hands, she realizes there is an aspect to Gregory’s personality she wasn’t expecting.

Gregory douses his classroom with all types of disinfectant, but things worsen when Brandon returns to school with a note from his mom proclaiming she isn’t the one (or the two), so she will be seeing her child at three o’clock since district policy states he doesn’t have to be sent home until the end of the day. Brandon says he doesn’t mind returning since he let another student borrow his Nintendo Switch, a fact that startles Jacob and Melissa because that means the video game contraband is now a conduit for spreading fungus from one distracted student’s fingers to another. The staff declares all hands on deck, Ava puts on her hazmat suit, and they block off the stairway to the second floor using Mr. Johnson as a guard in the hopes of keeping Jacob’s students away from the little ones. But sealing off the second floor isn’t enough for Gregory — the next time Janine visits his classroom, he’s wearing a makeshift hazmat suit of his own with his emergency turtleneck (of course, he keeps one in his classroom), overalls, and gardening gloves. Then, he changes their after-school plans of watching Dune and Friday together to “TBD,” leaving Janine disappointed.

When Jacob’s students realize they’re being quarantined following his refusal to let them leave when the bell rings for recess, they begin to get restless, calling their situation “ass.” Jacob oozes a combination of self-righteousness and sympathy, telling the documentary crew he can’t be surprised as he taught his students to “question the system” and “speak truth to power.” He reluctantly lets one of his students use the bathroom after being accused of acting Draconian (how can he say no to a kid correctly referencing the day’s lesson plan?). While on the bathroom break, the student detours to give his younger brother, Geo, a hoodie, return a book to the library, dap up Barbara, and get a drink from the teacher’s lounge, bringing the fungi with him along the way. Geo happens to be in Gregory’s class, and there’s no way a new piece of clothing would go unnoticed under these circumstances, triggering fear in Gregory’s eyes. When Geo starts scratching his arm, there’s only one thing Gregory can say: “The fungi are here.”

Ava announces to the school that protocol has been broken, and they’re officially on lockdown. After a student shows up in her doorway, she tells everyone over the loudspeaker that no one will be sent to the principal’s office today, saying, “Kids, if you want to do crime, now is the time. Happy Purge Day, y’all!” Janine fumes at the idea that her plan didn’t work, and Melissa is angrier than ever as the threat of ringworm dampers her after-school date with a man who has an in-ground hot tub. She is so angry that she snitches on her bestie, Barbara, for bypassing the barricade between floors for her afternoon coffee. Jacob runs downstairs with the news that it was his student who brought the fungus downstairs, adding more fuel to the fire when he tells the other teachers that Barbara actually touched the student who went rogue. Once Jacob returns to his classroom, he finds Brandon self-isolating in a corner, giving him an idea of how to get through the rest of the day. Jacob suggests to his coworkers that they should move all the exposed students into the gym until school ends, volunteering himself as the one to supervise them. The doors close ominously as the rouge student comes in direct contact with Jacob’s skin while patting him on the back for his bravery.

Barbara takes Jacob’s solution as a gift from God, claiming that she feels his strength “tingling” through her body like little angels dancing on her skin … which turns out to be the itching sensation from the ringworm infection on her arm. Of course, this in no way sways Barbara’s faith: she calls the mark a little “red halo” and refuses to join Jacob, saying, unfortunately, that isn’t in God’s plan before leaving (she ends up giving it to the church choir, but, in her words, that’s God’s plan too). When school finally lets out, Janine asks Gregory one more time if their plans are still on, and at first, Gregory refuses, saying they can FaceTime. But Gregory’s heart overpowers any germaphobic inclinations in his brain — he catches up with Janine in the parking lot, slings his arm around her shoulders, and asks what movie they’ll watch first. I guess the couple that ringworms together stays together!

Teacher’s Notes

• What a lovely cold open with Tariq and the PTA (Parents Throwing Ass). It’s always a pleasure to see Zac Fox, who knows we thirst over him and, according to this interview with Complex, has to answer to his mom for some of the more … colorful tweets.

• The kids carried their comedic weight tonight! Brandon did his thing. Geo was too adorable, and his older brother had me in stitches when he said he didn’t even remember to go to the bathroom while roaming the hallways and then asking to go again.

• And as always, here are some of the best lines of the episode:

Ava pitching news coverage: “Hello? The Atlantic? This message is for ‘whomsoever’ is in charge of great stories. I’ve got a hot one: ‘Local hero principal saves downtrodden school from outbreak.’ Possible headline? ‘Ava Coleman Runs Rings Around Worm’”

Melissa, finding out Jacob is responsible for the spread: “Do you just hate me? I shaved above the knee, Jacob! Above the knee!”

Ava, after coming out unscathed: “But I did get a tapeworm. Seafood restaurant by the gas station. Got it, passed it, worth it.”