The Golden Bachelorette Recap: Somehow Not Here to Make Friends

To be honest, I frequently drop out of a Bachelor season around this point. All the fun stuff is over, and it’s just a lot of people being earnest, and that makes me uncomfortable because reality TV isn’t about earnestness — it’s about people in a house making friends or having drama because Gregg snores (remember Gregg?). I do want Joan to find love, but more and more, I’m believing that will be with Chock, and Chock sucks. I guess he might be better than Guy, who is yet another Bachelor contestant with a restraining order against them, but I can’t root for a person who’s “maybe better than restraining order man.” But maybe she’ll surprise me and pick Pascal. That would be bananas. I know spoilers are out there, but I assiduously avoid them so I can toss around theories. Let’s all imagine we live in a world where no one knows the answer, and then my guesses are amazing or very wrong.

Speaking of Pascal, he’s walking around in white cotton underpants. It’s just … it’s just a lot. Maybe we switch up our underwear game for the nationally televised show. Whatever, Pascal’s not going to listen to me; he has some laundry to not do.

Joan very briefly speaks with Trista Sutter at an L.A. coffee shop in a scene that’s so bright and fun that it feels very out of place with the season. So many men in muted colors. As with all former Bachelor participants who arrive to dole out advice, Trista tells Joan to be more vulnerable. Joan says okey-dokey but doesn’t really do it because they’re almost at the end, and she’s going on one-on-ones with people she’s not feeling it with.

The first date card goes to Keith. Keith freaked out last week about not being in the moment with her and not being himself, so he determines to be in the moment on this date. It’s a classic helicopter date, and they fly to a vineyard. They’re greeted by married hippies. Tell me the woman hippie doesn’t remind you of Catherine Keener in Get Out. Despite this, Joan and Keith drink the wine, and then they go off and Keith shares about his ex-wife’s struggles with addiction. I was very confused at first about why Keith didn’t get a rose on this date because I missed where they said no roses were being handed out on dates this week. Hometowns means no immunity cards! Keith should be worried, because he and Joan have zero chemistry.

Jonathan, Jordan, Guy, and Chock are on the group date, which is bowling. I have something to say about bowling, which is that you think it’s a fun activity you do with your friends, but then when you get up there, you realize that each time you bowl, you have to turn around and face the people you’re with. If you’re a middling bowler, this means sometimes, you will throw a ball right in the gutter and then have to turn and act like everything is fine and you do not care. But you do care. So now take that scenario, and you instead have four older men who probably have some kind of pride in their bowling ability, and they have to do it in front of each other, and the lady they’re into, and all the filming crew and the national viewers. What I’m saying is this date is a nightmare masked as a fun activity. You can tell by how tense everyone gets. Chock gets weirdly territorial about Joan, which pisses the other guys off, but Chock is not here to make friends. Chock! This is the attitude the villains have on the regular Bachelor seasons! You can spend time with Joan and make an impression and still not be a dick. Is this how they act in Wichita, sir?

Mark gets the other one-on-one, which is good because the producers have definitely been saving him for last. My main theory on this is that early on, Joan knew she was not going to be into him. But he is potentially a great candidate for Golden Bachelor, aside from the part where he’s awkward and doesn’t talk, or when he does talk, he says a woman is like a fresh pair of sweats. But he’s handsome and tall, which are the main requirements. So the producers were like, Okay, we’ll save his date until the end, then cut him, and then he’ll be fresh in people’s minds for the next season.

The date is fine. They go on a boat. Joan talks to the camera about Mark’s many amazing qualities and why you would perhaps want to keep seeing him on your screen. He gives a Leading Man speech about how this process has given him the confidence to continue, and he sees his life flourishing in the next five years. He also talks about his wife, who passed away after being diagnosed with stage-four breast cancer, and Joan makes an “aw, darn” face. Joan, I do like you, but sympathy faces are not part of your skill set.

At the mansion, Mark thinks the date went really well, but he soon has that illusion shattered as Joan arrives and pulls him aside. They sit on a bench where there is a BLINDING light on the side of Joan’s face, while Mark’s is fine. How did someone not put up a sheet or something?? She is your STAR. So Mark is sitting there, knowing she’s about to deliver bad news, and she basically tells him there’s something missing in their dynamic and says good-bye. He says some very nice things back to her, which is great, because we’ve seen rejected men on this franchise act like real assholes, and Mark says that he’s leaving here a better human being, man, and father. He says good-bye to his friends in the house, and they cry. Pascal says Mark was his best friend, which is extremely cute.

Okay, so it’s rose ceremony time. My guess at this point was that Guy and Pascal were on their way out, which was super wrong. Keith tells the camera that you may think you have a connection with Joan, but does Joan have a connection with you? WORDS FOR MEN TO LIVE BY. Pascal (!), Chock, Guy (!), and Jordan all get roses. Jonathan and Keith are gone! Joan walks Jonathan out and says some lovely things to him as well, and in the car, Jonathan says that maybe his journey is just beginning. So maybe Jonathan will be the next Golden Bachelor!! Or Mark! Both of which are ridiculous because we all know it should be Charles.

Golden Bachelorette Scoring

• Using the Michael Scott “Beach Games” system of points, I will be doling out ten points, a gold star, and a thumbs-up every week. And one person will be pushed into a chocolate river.

• 10 Points: To Pascal for being the only person to not care about bowling.

• Gold Star: To Mark for being really wonderful when he was dumped.

• Thumbs-Up: To the guys who cried when Mark said he was leaving.

• Pushed into a Chocolate River: Pascal’s choice of underpants.