Southern Charm Season-Finale Recap: Hold the Phone

The crazy thing about this season is that it started off with so much promise, with Craig and Austen looking like they were going to split, Taylor and newbie Salley after each other’s throats about a man named after a Disney villain, Madison’s husband in medical peril, JT and Venita doing whatever the hell they were doing, and Whitney sporting the worst frosted tips we’ve seen outside of a 98 Degrees video. But then it ends just like this. Craig and Austen made up, Taylor won’t mess with Salley, Madison’s husband is healed by his own hotness, and Whitney has moved onto a butter yellow jacket that is possibly the nicest thing he’s ever worn on television. What an anti-climax. It’s like a fart you thought was going to be loud, so you say your friend’s name so they look over, but then when you let it out, it’s just a slow hiss that smells like a factory full of dead tuna fish.

The episode hinged on a big party that Ryan and Madison throw for everyone for no reason other than because the season is over. The big issue going into the finale is what Ryan told Venita that JT supposedly told his barber about her, and this is an issue that is almost impossible to adjudicate. Why? Because we haven’t seen any of it. We didn’t see what JT told his barber. We didn’t see what JT’s barber told Ryan’s barber, who I don’t think are the same person but work at the same shop. We also didn’t see what Ryan’s barber told Ryan about what JT’s barber said JT said. Of all the games of telephone on all of these reality shows, this one is about as reliable as a bricked Sidekick you found among your old things in your mom’s attic.

But the conversation about it at the party was somewhat hilarious. Venita and Leva, who apparently used up her WFH days this season, pull Ryan into a side room for a chat about what happened. As they try to talk, Madison and Rodrigo come in to try to join the conversation, though they are somewhat derailing it. Then Miss Pat pops her head in to tell them all that she’s leaving, and Madison high-tails it out of there because she wants no part of an altercation that has nothing to do with her.

Rodrigo tries to take Ryan’s side, saying he didn’t think he did anything mean-spirited, but Ryan tells him they don’t need more opinions in the room, and Rodrigo leaves. (Grammatical note: as an intra-gay conflict, “Girl” is the culturally correct terminology, and female pronouns must be used throughout the sentence.) Girl, she was trying to help you and had your back, but then you kicked her right out of the room? Girl! I guess this means that Rodrigo, Ryan, their hot partners, and I will not be going on our trip to Washington, D.C., to visit the Pentagon. Back to the Eiffel Tower for me and one lucky couple. (I choose Rodrigo and Tyler, sorry!)

What’s crazy about this conflict is that I believe everyone is telling the truth. I think that JT didn’t say anything mean-spirited about Venita to his barber; he just talked about what was going on in his life and with the show. I also believe that Ryan’s barber told him that JT said those things about Venita in a mean way and that Ryan was relaying that to Venita to protect her. Just as JT does not seem like the kind of guy who would talk shit about Venita (or Miss Pat), I don’t think that Ryan is the kind of guy who would maliciously make things up to get rid of JT. Yes, he doesn’t like JT, but neither does most of the cast. They have enough reasons to get rid of good old Don Jr. Jr. without Ryan making up lies. If there is anything funky going on here, it is between barber one and barber two. (Now, if Kenya Moore was on this show, she would have made sure that both of these barbers got invitations to the party, and they would have been there to clear up exactly what transpired, which is why Kenya Moore should never be off of reality television.)

The only other conflict is something weird that happens with Taylor, Salley, and her extra E, which is certainly never something I left the club holding onto. Apparently, Taylor texted Austen that Salley was “coming for his relationship” because she was telling the girls that Austen told her a few times to show them her tits when they were in the Bahamas. Based on a flashback clip, he definitely said that Salley was far enough away that a boob flash would have been no big deal, and it seems that Salley received Austen’s joke in the spirit in which it was intended. So why is Taylor trying to start shit? Because she hates Salley.

When Salley confronts her about it at the party, we see why Salley is meant to be a practitioner of the reality television arts and sciences, and Taylor should go back to being a dental hygienist or whatever the fuck she was when Shep met her at the bar that serves third-rate hot wings. Salley says they decided not to talk shit about each other, so why is Taylor talking about her to Austen when she didn’t do anything wrong? Taylor has absolutely no defense, she is making no sense, she tried to create a plot out of nothing and failed. She just storms off, leaving Salley alone and victorious.

A little later, we get a tiny scene where Rodrigo says they should all toast Taylor and Salley dating each other’s ex-boyfriends. Salley says she got the better one, then Taylor says she got the better end of that stick, and then Salley says, “I said that already.” Sally is quicker, punchier, better with conflict, and willing to roll around in the muck in a way that Taylor will never be, which is why if we’re keeping any of these girls, we need to keep Salley.

Honestly, fire all the girls except Salley. Well, we can keep Madison, too, mostly because of how hot she looked in that red dress at her party. Sure, she doesn’t have much to do, but she’s managed to crack the guys’ dynamic, always looks amazing, and brings a piece of hotness with her to every group event. Keep her on.

We can also continue to employ Molly, who had absolutely nothing to do all season but was amusing every time she was on our screens. When Shep — who wins the worst dressed award in his Nehru jacket that looks like a Civil War uniform — arrives at Molly’s house, he discovers that her door knocker is a naked dude with elephantiasis of the scrotum.  At the party, everyone is pushing them to get together once again, and it actually seems like it’s clicking this time, but that might just be the producers trying to win an end-of-season bonus. Whoever got Shep and Molly to kiss wins a $300 gift card to Piggly Wiggly and one hot dog from JT from Southern Hospitality’s hot dog cart. The title cards at the end of the episode let us know that Molly and Shep hooked up that night after the party, and good for them! I can’t wait to hear all about it at the reunion. I am sure Molly did not get off, but at least she finally got laid.

The other title cards tell us that Venita and JT started dating two months after filming wrapped until he dropped the bomb of going Instagram official with his girlfriend who is definitely not from Canada. Okay, the reunion is really going to lay out the timeline about when they had which discussions about his girlfriend, when they started dating, when and how it ended, and just what the hell JT was thinking playing with the heart and emotions of Venita, who is a New York 9 and a Charleston 1,342,899.

There is also the bombshell about Craig and Paige breaking up, which we knew was coming all season. Cameras picked back up so that we could see Craig, Austen, and Shep talking about it shortly after it happened. We didn’t learn that much new information. Craig says he bought a ring at Paige’s behest, but she told him to hold off. He said that they had a great Thanksgiving, but Paige broke it off and said she needed to find herself again. I give Craig lots of credit here for not trying to tarnish Paige’s name or throw her under his backyard beehive. But also, we’re now several months past this point with the two sniping at each other in the press, on WWHL, and in the Summer House after-show, so this information all seems a bit outdated.

As Craig left Austen’s house that day, wearing far more layers than we’re used to seeing and with a haircut that is an absolute triumph, he could feel the air cooling, the seasons turning. He walked back to his car, got in, and picked up his phone because he would always call or text Paige on the drive. (We all know that Craig texts and drives.) But now he couldn’t or at least shouldn’t. He spun his phone in his hand a few times, wondering who else to call, what else to do, and who wanted to listen to him now. There were no easy answers, just silence as he put the car into drive and accelerated into the sunset, which was getting earlier and earlier each day.