The Bachelor Recap: All in the Family

An ABC executive stands in front of one of those Minority Report touch screens and takes a deep breath in. “Ready?” an eager technician asks as he fires up the massive screen before the executive. The screen flickers on and emits a powerful hum. The words “Vertical Integration 5000” appear on the screen and fade to reveal the faces of the final four women.

“Let’s dance,” the executive says as she slips on those sick-as-hell three-finger gloves. The faces of the women fly around the screen as the executive drags their images all across the screen. First up, Litia. A drop-down menu appears under Litia’s face with notes like “Father from Fiji,” “Baby Voice,” and “Mormon.”

“There. That’s it.” The executive taps on the word “Mormon,” and the screen fills with a vision board of Mormon influencers, celebrities, and related docudrama reality-based programming. The executive zooms deeper and deeper, sifting through the images until she comes on a poster for The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, now on Hulu. “Yes, perfect.” Her eyes narrow as she drags the poster onto Litia’s picture and casts it off the screen.

Next, Juliana. The drop-down menu reads “Italian,” “Boston,” and “Nose ring.” The executive furrows her brow. This one won’t be so easy. She taps on Italian, and a similar mood board appears. She scrolls and scrolls and scrolls. She calls out to the technician, “See if we have any partnerships with Buca di Beppo or the concept of pizza. Nothing? Fuck.” She sighs and keeps scrolling again until she finds it. Yes. The Bear on FX on Hulu. “Close enough.”

Next, Zoe. The executive pulls up Zoe’s TraitMatrix, and it just says “HOT” written in five different languages. “Oh, I forgot. If they’re super fucking hot, we don’t have to do this,” the tech says as he clears Zoe from the screen. “That’s right, they don’t need a narrative or any vertical integration if they’re super fucking hot,” the executive laughs as she wipes her brow and takes a sip of water.

Finally. Dina. She opens Dina’s TraitMatrix and sees “Large Family: Subcategory, Immigrants,” then “Religious,” and then “Lawyer,” “Successful,” and “Chicago.” The executive starts tapping on the words but … nothing happens. The tech’s voice shaking: “There’s … there’s no opportunity for cross-promotional tie-ins. The Narrative Array is completely empty!”

The executive holds up a hand to the screen and uses three fingers to scroll between pictures of Dina. She tries to scroll down further in the TraitMatrix. Anything in the Narrative Array? Her eyes frantically searching until she finally sees it, at the very bottom of the TraitMatrix. A glowing red word that just says: Independent.

“Shit. That’s the kiss of death. Shut it down.”

The tech goes behind the giant screen and pulls the plug.

Let’s get into it.

What a baffling Hometowns episode! And if you thought that Juliana, Litia, and Zoe would be the final three heading to Fantasy Suites, I want to ask you what it is like being able to predict everything that’s going to happen in the future with 100 percent accuracy, no matter how unlikely the outcome is. You must be some kind of modern-day Cassandra. What power you have.

This episode set us up for a lot more drama from Litia’s Hometown date that never came and probably should have come. Dina was the one whose Hometown date had the most drama and even then, it all happened off-screen.

But first, we’re headed to Boston — OH, FUCK, IT’S THE DROPKICK MURPHYS. As someone who went to college in the Boston suburbs and was a freshman when the film The Departed came out, The Dropkick Murphys awakened something in me like a sleeper cell. I heard that song, and suddenly, I was transported back to throwing up over the side of Harvard Bridge. Grant is excited to meet Juliana, and he describes their connection as “intense, romantic, physical, emotional.” Yeah, I think that’s all the adjectives. He also says he has butterflies. Juliana says she’s excited to show him how Italians in Newton get down. There has been a lot of discussion about Grant meeting a bunch of Mormons and I was worried about Grant meeting a bunch of Italian people in Boston.

They go to a pizza place, and Juliana introduces him as “My boyfriend, Grant.” This bitch has planted her flag. They playfully make some heart-shaped pizzas and throw just a sexy/playful amount of flour in each other’s faces. Juliana says she’s starting to fall in love with him. How weird is it that we’re going into Hometowns with so few confessions of “I’m falling for you.” Some people are still at “I really like him!” Like he’s some dude you met on Hinge and had five dates with. Grant gives us an amazing insight into Juliana’s culture: “Italians love cannolis.”

Juliana’s main narrative going into her Hometown is her family has seen her heart broken and hasn’t brought a guy home in a while. Just once, I’d like to see one of the Hometowns start with a family sitting around going, “She’s always bringing people home. What’s this one’s name again? Sept? That can’t be right.” Juliana lists the absurd number of people Grant will be meeting, including Uncle Paul and Uncle Tony, a cousin named “Danny P,” and a second cousin named “Vinny.” I’m obsessed with the idea of a family so big that they have to resort to using last initials. We’ve got a few repeat names in my family, but we usually differentiate between them by referring to their heights. Big David, Little David, and the elusive Medium David. This seems to be the one Hometown that Grant wants to make the best impression and he’s visibly nervous.

They go to a backyard hang-out, and the Aunts immediately greet Grant by telling him, “We’re a little cray-cray.” I’d like these women to give me all the goss in Newton over a few glasses of pinot grigio. The clip of Juliana’s dad freaking out over them kissing is a misdirect, and he’s (mostly) playful. Grant shows Juliana’s mom the tattoo that he got in the Dominican Republic and says he can relate to Juliana’s loner tendencies. Also, her friend group is called the Wolfpack, and Grant is looking for his wolfpack. I absolutely died at a guy showing his girlfriend’s mom his tacky wolf howling at the moon tattoo and being like “This me.” Grant tells Juliana’s dad he admires that he never left their family, and yeesh, Grant, we get it.

On NONE of these Hometowns does Grant “ask for a blessing” or even really acknowledge that a proposal is coming at the end of the season. Not a good sign for the final few episodes.

When it’s time for Grant to leave, Grant and Juliana sit down and he says he knows she’s falling for him and he’s falling for her too. He says, “It could be a fit for me.” He talks about getting married and finding his wife like he’s committing to a college team. Juliana says she’s falling in love with him. She sets the stage for her Fantasy Suite narrative by saying she’s worked hard to let him in, and if he’s not, that’s too hard to go through. Bye-bye, boyfriend!

Off to New York City! Grant meets Zoe at Union Square Park, and she tells him they’re going to finally be in her element and somewhere she’s comfortable: a photoshoot. Zoe is extremely beautiful, and being an engineer by day and modeling later that same day is a flex. They shoot a spread for Brides Magazine, from engagement to wedding day. At one point, Zoe turns to him and says, “It’s engagement, so it’s soft smiles.” This bitch would have won America’s Next Top Model. Also, in this shoot, it hits me that Zoe kind of looks like she could play Meghan Markle’s tough younger sister on a very special episode of Suits.

At some point on the date, Grant says “I couldn’t have chosen a better person to go on this Hometown date” like it’s just any old one-on-one date. Hometowns are a different thing, buddy! You didn’t choose her for this date. She chose this date! For you! Because it’s Hometowns!

They sit down after the photoshoot and talk about who Grant will be meeting. Zoe opens up and says that addiction has also touched her family, and she’s not speaking with her adoptive parents right now. She says she gave them many chances, and it’s inspiring to see how many chances Grant has given his father, but that’s just not where their relationship is right now.  First, I would have loved to hear about this on a one-on-one date! Two, this made me worried for Zoe. Grant’s relationship with his family and how they’ve built, broken, and built back up seems really foundational to how he sees himself and fatherhood in general. We also know that Grant doesn’t do well with someone’s life being different from his. He tends to aggressively find commonality with whoever he’s with. So when Zoe drew a difference between herself and Grant as children of addicts, I was worried.

They’re both a little worried going into the rest of the date and I have no idea if that was warranted because we never see Grant sit down with Aunt Cherise, WHO I WOULD DIE FOR, and Uncle Dave! We get to see Zoe’s relationship with her sister, and it seems really, really sweet, and they both start crying immediately. Zoe’s sister asks Grant why Zoe didn’t get a one-on-one, and I’m living for Faith. Grill his ass! He says the last two conversations gave him all he needed to know. The ones where she cried? No one says “I’m falling in love” or anything like that and that’s what also had me worried for Zoe.

It’s time to head to Star Valley, Wyoming. Grant is also nervous about this one, and I would be too! I would need to be reassured that there are some cell phone bars before I headed to the mostly unincorporated 95 percent white Star Valley! They do a little horseback riding. Grant and Litia also look really good together, and he seems really at ease around her. He asks if she has any nicknames, and she says her nieces call her “T-T,” so he starts calling her that throughout the episode. Litia is nervous because she’s never brought anyone home who isn’t Mormon, and if Grant couldn’t see himself in her family, that would be a dealbreaker. Grant is nervous because he’s got tattoos and likes “to have fun” (read: premarital sex), so will her family accept him?

Seeing all of Litia’s family file out in various flannels and vests, I got a chill down my spine. But that’s not even half of the family. They head around back, and there’s a whole yard full of people! Children! Old people! Dirty Soda!

Grant sits down with Litia’s stepdad, and her dad says that Litia mentioned that Grant is a man of faith and also that Litia is ready to pop some kids out. He also keeps saying “our culture” in a way that Grant should have stopped him at some point and gone, “What do you mean ‘your culture’? Just how different are we talking?” Grant sits down with Litia’s mom, and her mom says the core values and core beliefs of Mormonism and other Christian religions are pretty much the same. Yeah, let’s talk about that for a second because … umm … it’s … a whole thing, actually. Grant says he got the confirmation that he didn’t have to be Mormon to be accepted into the family, and I would like that in writing.

Litia sits down with her grandpa and her mom (in two conversations) and she tells each of them that she’s in love with Grant and seems to want that external validation that this is a good idea and she should say it to him. She and her mom call Grant “perfect,” and I know from Heather Gay of RHOSLC that “perfection” is a very Mormon aspiration. She also says that when Grant told her about being lonely as a kid, she could see him as a child and felt sad for him.

Ummm … this is, like, an attractive thing in a man?

She also says that she wants to give him a big, happy family because he never had that.

Uhhh … Is this relationship … Oedipal?

I guess when a man wants to be re-parented and a woman wants to parent, that can be a match made in the kingdoms of glory.

It’s time for our final Hometown date in Chicago. Like Love Is Blind before it, we’re starting at the Riverwalk! Grant meets Dina, and she has to break the news that her family doesn’t approve of the show. Her father is a pastor and a deacon in their church and is very religious, so they don’t want to appear on camera. Grant is definitely thrown, and Dina is scrambling to say her friends will more than make up for it. She’s also not wrong to have a feeling down in her gut that this might be her downfall. They head to one of the thousands of pop-up bar experiences that have littered Chicago in the last few years. I knew exactly where they were in the city, and when her friends showed up, I immediately knew who these high-powered West Town girlies were. They have a standing reservation at The Loyalist, and they can find the nearest rooftop with a spicy margarita with their eyes closed. I love them. I would like to be their friend. Ultimately, this part of the episode is just everyone rehashing Dina’s family choosing not to join the date, and we learn nothing new. Grant likes that she’s driven (no, he doesn’t). Her friends can feel the love (no, they can’t). My theory of why Grant ultimately didn’t pick Dina is that he can’t save her, and she can’t save him. Grant wants some dynamic of two people coming together to heal their inner child or re-parent each other, and he wants to be the hero. Dina seems to be in control of herself, her career, and her family. She doesn’t wail and cry that Grant could be the one to mend her family or the hole they’ve left in her heart by not coming to meet him. She’s just like, “They can’t make it, but you’re gonna love Enrita and Lauren!” Grant wants to provide. He wants to build a family. He wants to lead the wolfpack. And that’s just not Dina, and that’s fine! He’s looking for something very specific in a relationship, and Dina’s not the one to give it to him.

Back to Los Angeles for the Rose Ceremony, but before we can get to that, Grant sits down with Joey, and Joey’s beautiful eyes pierce our souls. Grant says he’s worried about making the wrong decision, and Joey gives him great advice about pausing, trusting his gut, and feeling, not thinking. I’ve been in therapy long enough to know that feeling your feelings and thinking your feelings are two different things. Bless you, Joey.

The women are all forced to sit together (on the roof of the Hoxton, maybe?) and describe their Hometown dates and count how many family members attended. Ten, fifty, two hundred! Litia wins! What about you, Dina? Zero.

The roses go to Litia, Juliana, and Zoe. He walks Dina out and tells her, “I was developing feelings for you,” and I GASPED. OOF.

Now it’s time for Grant to find a wife! Next week, the Women Tell All and Fantasy Suites in the Dominican Republic. Wait … is Grant Dominican? Okay, lore drop!